as one phase of existence comes to an end .. there comes the beginning of a new one ..

for a person who constantly tried to make himself believe that for the past few months .. i was doing quite well .. and then suddenly i was thrown through this invisible door of realization .. something you could have never brought down upon yourself .. then again .. you wish you had ..

i can't say that i love you anymore .. can't even dream of allowing myself to continue doing something so foolish .. not after hearing you say you love me even though i knew you'd been feeling up anything that moves ever since the day you left my city ..

deleted those soft mushy songs from my phone .. got in sync with junkyard groove .. its pure alternative .. and definitely pure genius ..

i feel this holiday has been my best so far .. having climbed up to huge heights in the Garhwal Himalayas .. i realized that breathlessness depends less on the purity/amount of air that your inhaling .. and more on how choked up you feel living on a mountain made out of clouds and snow, yearning for someones touch .. and yet ironically .. it is today .. in delhi at 47 degrees .. that i feel like i'm breathing again .. glad i finally chose to confront your promiscuous side .. coz the reason i held back till now was not because i didn't know .. but simply because i didn't know if i could ever take the shock of being right about what i knew .. and guess what .. i'm glad i did .. because after forcing myself to write one last blog post on how you make me feel.. i know i'm never gonna waste another word describing you or anything even remotely related to you .. because right now in my mind .. i have this filthy image of you in which you kinda resemble a tramp.

and anyone who has read this blog from the beginning till this very post .. would testify to the unconditional nature of everything that i ever felt for you .. i wish they hadn't .. i didn't want to use my words to fool them into believing that i'd found the one .. found true love .. because you are and always will be nothing more than a selfish bitch.

bombay, saturday night.

its been almost a year .. since i first glanced into those serene brown eyes .. since the first time i saw her sitting on her Dio .. waiting for me outside the main gates of MIT, Pune .. she was a treat to my vision .. so simple .. yet so exquisite .. irresistible.

maybe we came too far .. maybe i was never meant to find her .. to reach out to her .. to speak to her .. to fall in love with her .. but a few coincidences and a lot of good vibes contributed to making me realize what a living mess i was till the day she rode into my life on that 'bike' of hers ..

sometimes .. i wish i'd discovered some unique way to show her what she started to mean to me right from the moment i took in her fragrance .. it put me in a trance of sorts .. i put my arms around her waist as i sat behind her dio .. butterflies .. so many of them .. you'd grow a huge beard even if you just attempted to count .. and you'd still get the number wrong ..

maybe this suffering is nothing but a lesson .. maybe she just feels the need to be alone for a while .. explore new horizons .. discover new faith .. live the way she wants to live .. love the way she wishes to love .. discover uniqueness in the most distinct way possible .. find happiness in places where most people don't usually care to look ..

or maybe this is all just a nightmare .. where i wake up to nothing but the emptiness of a broken heart .. wishing i'd fall back to sleep again .. go back in to the nightmare .. hoping to never wake up again .. *sigh* ..

just got off the phone with you .. and i could still sense everything you feel for me .. all those little glitches in your speech give you away .. make me realize how hard you've been trying to not want this love .. and yet it never goes away .. maybe even haunts you .. makes you curse it from the bottom of your heart .. and yet it doesn't go away .. what a pain .. what a pain indeed ..

i'm trying .. you know .. i'm trying to do everything i can to facilitate you with this self initiated phase of independence .. to help you get whatever it is that you wish to achieve from this, baby .. but i can't lie to you .. and i can't pretend that any of my methods have yielded any successful results .. because you know i'm so in love with you ..

its difficult .. really taxing on the heart and mind .. to want to wish for something that you never wanted in the first place .. and yet i swear i'm trying .. for you .. but if i know myself .. i know it won't work .. and if i know you a little .. then i also know that a part of you doesn't want it to work ..

you'll have enough time for self-reflection .. for individual endeavors .. its a long summer ahead .. a LONG fuckin' summer indeed .. which we'd once planned to spend together .. which i no longer will be an important part of :) .. i hope you have an amazing holiday .. i hope this love thing lets go of you .. irritating little thing .. spoils the fun of everything ..

and ill be around here somewhere .. doesn't really matter even if i ain't .. coz i wont be worth the notice .. i wont be worth the trouble .. but whenever you set your eyes upon me again .. i hope i'm still worth your love ..



till then ..

I'm standin' on the bridge
I'm waitin' in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now

and ill watch the night turn light-blue
its not the same without you
because it takes two to whisper quietly

and i believe in you
you know the door to my very soul
you're the light in my deepest darkest hour

lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and i will try to fix you


i love you Andrea. Don't hate yourself for it.

so what is it .. that makes the one you love .. repeatedly encroach upon undiluted bliss?

i've been waiting a while .. to understand the importance of all those promises that were made at the time of emotional apocalypse .. there were a lot of promises .. and so it took me more time than usual to analyse how much was granted.

a relationship between two people is mainly based upon their understanding of each other. it consists of two main components ..
- things that a person CAN understand ..
- things that a person WILL understand ..
and then there is a middle void ..
which consists of things that a person MUST understand ..
the bigger this middle void .. the easier it is for two people to be able to love each other without any need for flacking or criticism.

when you devote your entire day to the sole purpose of making her happy .. when you stop at nothing to be able to show her in yet another distinct way .. what she means to you .. you don't really expect her to lose her patience just when your heart was starting to perceive a sense of sedentism.

who said love would be easy? who said we could take all the good things that came our way and give up oh so easily at the slightest indication of a sour spot? Yet .. why is it so easy for someone to honey coat their words when everything seems nice .. and so difficult to maintain a sense of normalcy in their tone even at the sound of a false alarm? .. isn't the happiness that you give to someone .. of enough significance .. for that person to be able to blend with your character when its getting hard for you to find yourself within the turmoil of exaggerated emotion?

i don't hope to get answers. because i know that you were having a notable mood shift even as you read through the previous paragraph .. and if i'm wrong this once .. then forgive me for hoping that i know you well enough .. because if you really listened to all those things that i said to you repeatedly .. then you would know that i am not trying to blame you .. nor am i trying to irritate you .. i'm simply trying to understand why its so hard for us reinforce each others solitude when one of us falls short of perfection for the first time in hours .. because even if we were perfect .. we are human .. and we would still be imperfect at maintaining that perfection .. but lets try? :(

i know that we will make this work .. simply because i know that we love each other .. and things may seem a little blurred once in a while .. but we CAN understand .. and we WILL understand .. because we MUST understand ..

my motive .. is to get through to you .. not to pass through you .. because that would hurt me as much as it would hurt you.

but fuck all that. i'm still madly in love with you. right?

-me

i know .. i have always known .. and i will always know. Till then .. hope is my dearest friend.

i always wondered why my style of writing is so inclined towards the negativity of every situation, when ultimately its happiness that i seek .. i always questioned my belief's to an extent that it made it impossible for me to accept anything without unintentional manipulation .. if there were no visible obstacles, i'd find a few .. maybe because i like fighting for what i desire .. but if i couldn't find any even on searching .. then i'd embrace the feeling as that of a miracle.

i wasn't always overflowing with confidence, i wasn't always the leader of the pack .. heck i wasn't even a part of the pack to begin with .. but its human tendency to wish for all that he does not have .. and by disguising it as the need to be someone better .. i started to climb .. not pausing once to look at all those i'd stepped over ..

it felt good to be known by everyone around me .. it felt amazing to be feared .. even though the entire world may deny the fact that a person can find happiness in other peoples fear .. there is something about being "the fear" that makes you wanna hold on to it .. maybe it was my love for violence .. maybe it was my reputation of fighting till the end .. come what may .. maybe it was simply the joy i got out of all the physical and emotional pain that i could cause to someone .. someone who had simply initiated it all ..

and then came the drugs .. boy are they bad .. and yet that wasn't reason enough for me to not indulge into them .. not because i didn't care about what others said .. but plainly put .. i believed that i could find that comfort zone with anything, even death.

what i did not realize was the fact that all the fear, violence and drugs may have fulfilled my conquest towards power, but it pretty much destroyed each and every component of my life that dared to step in the way .. unwillingly, unknowingly, i lost all faith in love .. i gave up on hope simply because it seemed like an overrated concept .. i let go of myself due to the 'fear' of spontaneous combustion.

i made myself believe that i was happy .. i told myself that this was the life that i always desired .. violence, drugs, women, money .. i had it all ..

and then she gave birth to my conscience .. the non-material entity that usually governs the entire functioning of a persons mind and his emotions .. now that i think of it .. i don't see how i survived so long without it.

she was right there .. sitting in between my knees .. resting her back against me .. it was past midnight .. and we were more than just high .. she held my hand and i savored her touch .. she kissed me and i kissed right back .. just us and a few close friends .. a few joints and a couple of liquor bottles .. our entire life ahead of us .. and to think .. that was the day we first met ..

its been a while since then .. if i counted the number of heart beats she made me skip .. its definitely been much longer .. for the first time in my life .. i let go of my pessimism .. i showed undiluted faith in love .. i hoped for this to remain perfect .. i let go of the violence .. i bid farewell to the drugs .. it felt like i'd found my comfort zone with "life" .. then it all went wrong .. in the worse way imaginable .. and for once .. i wasn't the one who went searching for obstacles ..

but i knew she was mine .. i wanted it to be like that .. forever .. she realized what she truly desired .. she understood that love isn't about finding empty spaces .. its about being prepared to fill them up if at all you see any .. that its not destiny driving us .. but the longing to be able to feel complete .. so so complete by just having the presence of that special someone ..

even though i am quite a literate person .. i am unable to formulate any gesture, use any words that may aid me in giving her even the slightest hint about how important she is to me .. just when i thought i was completely able .. i realized that if there is one thing that i am completely incapable of expressing .. (because my heart starts to waver even at the thought of being able to say it) its the emotion that you gifted to me the day i fell in love with you .. and just so you know .. love is a very diluted form of that emotion .. like i said .. neither can i express myself .. nor can i get myself to define it. so let me just stick to the norms and make it plain and simple ....

Andrea. I Love You.

i don't wish to try and discover what life has in store for us, all in one go .. i just wanna live each moment with you .. your presence is the component of my being .. you voice is the music to my soul .. your love is the fiber of my dreams ..

i always wondered why my style of writing is so inclined towards the negativity of every situation, when ultimately its happiness that i seek .. and now i know .. its because the shadow proves the sunshine ..

-me

its ironic how life tends to mess with you regarding every aspect of reality ..

its funny how we manage to get away with every wrong deed that we commit and yet we are caught in a wildfire if we even dare to walk on the right path ..

i knew it was never going to be easy .. not after all the sins that i had performed .. not after the number of hearts i'd broken .. and yet knowing all along .. its karma .. if you do something wrong .. you will probably get away with it .. but only momentarily .. because the spirits have a very sadistic way of toying with our emotions .. by fracturing our shins just as we take the leap of faith ..

i never understood what i did .. to deserve being replaced by someone who was barely as able as me in any respect .. i never fell short of the unspoken compromises .. i never did anything even remotely contradictory to the virtue of a person truly in love .. i never wished for my heart to be ruthlessly torn apart into indistinguishable pieces .. alas, i suffered.

life has infinite ways of giving out lessons .. but like everything else in this material world .. it comes at a price .. would your rather be the one to control the proceedings of your personal(righteous?) endeavors? or would you want to be the one who keeps himself immersed in a jar of self-inflammatory hope? at the end of the day .. its the sanctity of your smile that counts ..

half the people in this world do not find true love simply because they are afraid of the consequences it might lead to. Every single person is aware of the fact that just because you have what you deserve, does not mean the world is not going to conspire towards taking it away from you .. everything is achieved after a struggle .. and everything is valued after its survival .. but that does not mean that we would actually try to fight for what belongs to us .. maybe because we deserve much better than what we think we do.

ive broken a hundred hearts .. ive mended a thousand .. and yet loved only one .. and surprisingly enough .. that one person .. was the one to strip me of my belief .. rob me of my happiness .. mug me of my self-esteem ..

and now ive granted forgiveness to her .. but i will never be able to forgive myself for imagining myself to be the one with a perfect perception of things .. because no amount of intelligence and flair could have prevented this from happening.

:(

8 months .. the rate at which our life wastes away would make anyone feel that 8 months would have passed by unnoticed .. wish i could feel the same way .. but things had happened .. to call them things or events would just be degrading their significance .. they were life changing experiences ..

i never really respected the "Typical Movie Hero" .. how from a nobody, he would rise to the clouds .. discover the love of his life .. take in the happiness .. and just as things look to be perfect .. he would lose everything and everyone he ever loved .. only to get it all back in the end ..

but the happenings(mishappenings?) in my life over the past few months actually made me start to sympathize with the poor bastard.

i'd gone from having an IDEAL life .. to the source of complete darkness .. and then returned to discover a PERFECT life in front of my eyes .. i'm not sure as to how many of us would want an Ideal life and how many a Perfect one. But what i do know is .. that as long as you can defend yourselves from the hopelessness created by the sorrows that everyone comes across at one point or the other in life, you will get back everything that you ever loved and lost.

leaving the inner details for closer confidantes .. i just wanna say that its not a persons destiny to find "Complete Happiness" .. its his desire .. because destiny is just a term given by people to their fears .. as they are not comfortable living in the present, since the future for them is somehow more important. But if you desire happiness .. then your heart will show you ways to find it .. its strange how the world works .. strange and beautiful.

Maybe i'm just living in an illusion, maybe my life ain't perfect .. but the faith i portray in myself works as an assurance that i will not regret the choices that i have made in my life so far .. because ultimately .. its not what you do .. but how you think, that makes the entire difference.

and then there were words scribbled on a pair of blue jeans that said - "when the heaven's choose to ignore the sunshine, ill be there to call you mine"

-me