Saturday, November 5, 2011

it all began with a kitten.

sometimes, all that a person requires to begin revolving his world around the certainty of intuition are his own solid beliefs.
sometimes, all it takes for a mind to believe in god is a supernatural feeling emanating from within ones own desires.

you wouldn't know, until you've lived through what would have been a near death experience, with nothing but a sore knee.

maybe, this is all too far-fetched a coincidence to allow anyone apart from myself the leisure to comment on the concept of this virtual reality.
maybe, all these thoughts inside my head are nothing but the insanity produced from the undeniable abuse of artificially created substances.

but then again, maybe, all this is exactly what the universe normally denies it to be, simply because blatant curiosity is a virtue possessed by very few people.

what makes a person believe that the only things that matter in life are the physical aspects of this world that we can see, touch and feel?
what makes a broken heart believe in its betterment, even though every possible method of its revival is modeled towards extinction?

these are two very different questions, yet their answers go hand in hand. Go figure.

the reason that a person generally trusts his emotions over his wisdom is because his feelings come from within, but his knowledge is simply what he acquired from the universe.
the reason we tend to overlook logic in certain spheres of life is because gut feeling counts for a lot in this race to survival.

i'm talking about the prosperity that lies within your mind.
i'm speaking about the diversity that lives inside your soul.

this might not be the best post i've written, but it definitely is the most intelligent one. i've spent all my life so far talking about girls who broke my heart and never looked back. and even though for the first time i seem to be truly, hopelessly in love with someone, i haven't had the courage to mention her yet.

have you ever felt 'warm' shivers build up inside the back of your head and slowly take control of your conscience and then your entire body?
have you ever felt the need for your spirit to reside on this plane even after you were gone, with the motive of protecting someone you barely knew?

if you have, which i highly doubt, then have you ever felt those surges with regard to a complete stranger?
No you haven't.
what makes me different?
i have.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Critics be kind. My first ever Short Story :D

"would you like a refill sir?" The moderately aged waiter repeated patiently for the third time. The waiters words were nothing more than an interruption to Nizams thought process.
Afzal had failed to execute his section of the plan. Now it was up to Nizam to deliver his own personal blow.
"fill me up!" Nizam said, winking at the waiter. Trying all the while to mask any expression of hostility.
~Cafe Mondegar was his favorite place in the city. A city destined to denounce him till the end of time, Nizam thought~

"Ek Goldflake lights" Nizam heard himself say to the Pan Tapri owner, after what seemed like hours of a self sustained mental debate.
He liked the social freedom given to the citizens of India. Back home in Karachi, if anyone from around his block saw him grab a smoke, he'd get a long lecture from Ammi Jaan.
"Ek Bhagat Singh beedi ka bundle" said another customer, handing a Ten Rupee note to the shopkeeper.
Nizam vaguely remembered Bhagat Singh's name from his Indian History lectures. He also remembered admiring the extremist qualities of the Indian freedom fighter.
If Bhagat Singh's value had been degraded to Rs 10 in these years, Nizam could never have been worth too much to his own country, Nizam realized.


"Salam alaikum bhai jaan" said Nizam, bringing an abrupt halt to the chant of 'Mohammed ke sheher mein', which had suddenly started emanating from his left pocket.
"Alaikum salam", came the calm yet unnerving voice of Sufian bhai.
"Do we have new intel on who the dog could be?" asked Nizam, loathing the fact that a traitor had been the cause of his brother Afzal's death.
"These Indians can never be trusted on their own soil" said Sufian Bhai, sounding quite unperturbed.
"I have orders to execute the plan early" sighed Nizam, absorbing for the hundredth time that emotion was not a part of his job description.
"Do as told, Allah will take care of the rest", chanted Sufian Bhai.

Doing as told would probably lead to Nizam's demise, but there were always risks involved in the job. Being a rebel was like sky diving without a license, even if the diver somehow miraculously managed to open his parachute on time, there were still equal chances of him crashing straight into the ground.
No one knew the real motive behind this Jihad. But a lot of Chemicals, physical torture and a lot more brainwashing had turned Nizam into the purest form of Jihadi fuel.

"Khuda Hafiz" said Nizam, flipping his phone into his pocket.
"I'm gonna crash early tonight Ameeta" said Nizam.
"tomorrows a big day", he added quite ambiguously.

Ameeta was Nizams Tour-guide/Escort. She was a trailer to what awaited him in 'Jannat', as Sufian Bhai had explained.
Ameeta was a 22 year old indian girl. She had the features of an everlasting rainforest, so fresh and yet so synchronized. She was Nizams only acquaintance in the city.
Friends, he had none.


Bombay had treated Nizam well. If not the time when he'd forgotten his watch by a restaurant wash basin and the waiter ran 6 blocks to give it to him, then it had to be the night he almost walked into a moving car and was pulled out of the way by a street urchin. He wondered if there existed enough moral fibre within someone to like him despite knowing why he was in the city. then again, maybe he was a bit too clumsy for a terrorist. Only time would tell.

After finishing his early morning 'Namaz', Nizam decided to take Ameeta for an early brunch before he got to work.
~Today, i achieve redemption~ Nizam thought.


"I'm so stuffed!" exclaimed Ameeta, the remains of her Shawarma dangling from the napkin in her hand.
Picadilli was her favorite place to eat in town.
"your a Roll rapist!" laughed Nizam, for the first time in ages. Maybe the world wasn't as amusing as it seemed to be. maybe he was just trying to squeeze some happiness out of a frozen lemon.
"And your a Telly-Tubbly!" giggled Ameeta, pulling Nizams cheek, completely unaware of the fact that her 5 feet 6 inches tall and evenly broad Muslim friend could dismantle a car with his bare hands.

Ameeta locked eyes with Nizam, half expecting him to look away like he always did.
Today was different.
Nizam gave himself one last chance to dive into the depth of those serenly beautiful eyes. He gave himself one little moment of romance before fear engulfed the young war veteran and he looked away.
For a minute, Nizam felt like he was running naked atop a Snowy Mountain Peak without any logistics or directions. No means of survival.
Then the jitters passed and he called out to a cab. It was time.

"i'm getting obscured vibes from you Nizam!" said Ameeta.
"Do you want to share anything with me?" she continued.
Nizam sat quietly all the way from Colaba to Churchgate station. Here he was, sitting next to a girl who suspected him of being promiscuous, while the true reason behind his discretion could not be explained in words. then again, all girls are clingy, Nizam thought.

"A laugh broke the silence".
Nizam looked out of the cab window to see a handsome couple seated on a bike, cracking up on a joke that they had just shared.
Thats when it struck Nizam that no matter what his life may have been about until that moment, it was all about to change in a few minutes.
"Take her to Sterling, safely!" said Nizam to the cab driver rather passionately, handing the driver a hundred rupee note.
"Nizam, please call me once your done with your meeting?" said Ameeta through watery eyes.
Nizam made a mental note to call Ameeta if he ever got through this alive. He smiled at Ameeta and turned to walk towards the station, his ears waited to hear the sound of Ameeta's cab disappearing around the corner.

Shoulders up, Nizam walked straight into Churchgate station.
On any other day, Nizam would have hated to see the station so crowded. But today was different. The crowd just made his job easier.

shouted Nizam, brandishing a fully loaded semi-automatic machine gun from inside his briefcase.

Those people who seemed to pay attention to Nizams voice, suddenly shifted their glances to the metallic beast in Nizams hand and started to scream and run immediately. Others joined in as the bullets connected with their bodies.

Nizam just made sure each bullet found its target. After all, he was a professional.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

living isn't about restricting your inner self from experiencing the marvelous complications of this roulette game we call life .. its about letting your spirit free .. into the open .. where it can find the source of whatever it is that makes you so spiritually abundant .. its about falling out of an aeroplane, blindfolded .. you wouldn't really know until you hit the ground .. it doesn't leave room for fear .. its about crossing your heart and soul .. and believing in the one thing that makes you who you are .. so that you never require a shoulder to lean on even if you were limping ..

people tend to overcome most of their problems not with a motive to solve them .. but simply with the ego to feel like they are comfortable with themselves .. and nothing is more excruciating than the realization of self deceit .. because majority of the issues in a persons life are self created .. their ego feeds on them .. makes them take cover .. makes them weak.

i sometimes wish to be 12 years old .. when there was more to learn from the world than just the ways of scrutiny and betrayal .. our own persona in a way attains a solid state as we grow out of our adolescence .. and once we are adults .. our character confirms a definite shape .. thats when we start closing many mind routes .. thats when our conscience begins to hibernate ..

the reason behind a person resorting to love or/and drugs is pretty much the same .. both numb our senses to the point where its easy to formulate a virtual bubble around your emotional quotient that protects it from being manipulated .. and thats when a person really begins to indulge into the prospect of smiling for the finer joys of life .. because physical restrictions may hamper your fitness .. but a mental barrier cripples you for life ..

i may not have the best ideologies on self discovery .. but i'm bidding my teenage goodbye with the belief that i learn something from every day that passes.

till we're all better men.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

as one phase of existence comes to an end .. there comes the beginning of a new one ..

for a person who constantly tried to make himself believe that for the past few months .. i was doing quite well .. and then suddenly i was thrown through this invisible door of realization .. something you could have never brought down upon yourself .. then again .. you wish you had ..

i can't say that i love you anymore .. can't even dream of allowing myself to continue doing something so foolish .. not after hearing you say you love me even though i knew you'd been feeling up anything that moves ever since the day you left my city ..

deleted those soft mushy songs from my phone .. got in sync with junkyard groove .. its pure alternative .. and definitely pure genius ..

i feel this holiday has been my best so far .. having climbed up to huge heights in the Garhwal Himalayas .. i realized that breathlessness depends less on the purity/amount of air that your inhaling .. and more on how choked up you feel living on a mountain made out of clouds and snow, yearning for someones touch .. and yet ironically .. it is today .. in delhi at 47 degrees .. that i feel like i'm breathing again .. glad i finally chose to confront your promiscuous side .. coz the reason i held back till now was not because i didn't know .. but simply because i didn't know if i could ever take the shock of being right about what i knew .. and guess what .. i'm glad i did .. because after forcing myself to write one last blog post on how you make me feel.. i know i'm never gonna waste another word describing you or anything even remotely related to you .. because right now in my mind .. i have this filthy image of you in which you kinda resemble a tramp.

and anyone who has read this blog from the beginning till this very post .. would testify to the unconditional nature of everything that i ever felt for you .. i wish they hadn't .. i didn't want to use my words to fool them into believing that i'd found the one .. found true love .. because you are and always will be nothing more than a selfish bitch.

bombay, saturday night.

Monday, March 7, 2011

its been almost a year .. since i first glanced into those serene brown eyes .. since the first time i saw her sitting on her Dio .. waiting for me outside the main gates of MIT, Pune .. she was a treat to my vision .. so simple .. yet so exquisite .. irresistible.

maybe we came too far .. maybe i was never meant to find her .. to reach out to her .. to speak to her .. to fall in love with her .. but a few coincidences and a lot of good vibes contributed to making me realize what a living mess i was till the day she rode into my life on that 'bike' of hers ..

sometimes .. i wish i'd discovered some unique way to show her what she started to mean to me right from the moment i took in her fragrance .. it put me in a trance of sorts .. i put my arms around her waist as i sat behind her dio .. butterflies .. so many of them .. you'd grow a huge beard even if you just attempted to count .. and you'd still get the number wrong ..

maybe this suffering is nothing but a lesson .. maybe she just feels the need to be alone for a while .. explore new horizons .. discover new faith .. live the way she wants to live .. love the way she wishes to love .. discover uniqueness in the most distinct way possible .. find happiness in places where most people don't usually care to look ..

or maybe this is all just a nightmare .. where i wake up to nothing but the emptiness of a broken heart .. wishing i'd fall back to sleep again .. go back in to the nightmare .. hoping to never wake up again .. *sigh* ..

just got off the phone with you .. and i could still sense everything you feel for me .. all those little glitches in your speech give you away .. make me realize how hard you've been trying to not want this love .. and yet it never goes away .. maybe even haunts you .. makes you curse it from the bottom of your heart .. and yet it doesn't go away .. what a pain .. what a pain indeed ..

i'm trying .. you know .. i'm trying to do everything i can to facilitate you with this self initiated phase of independence .. to help you get whatever it is that you wish to achieve from this, baby .. but i can't lie to you .. and i can't pretend that any of my methods have yielded any successful results .. because you know i'm so in love with you ..

its difficult .. really taxing on the heart and mind .. to want to wish for something that you never wanted in the first place .. and yet i swear i'm trying .. for you .. but if i know myself .. i know it won't work .. and if i know you a little .. then i also know that a part of you doesn't want it to work ..

you'll have enough time for self-reflection .. for individual endeavors .. its a long summer ahead .. a LONG fuckin' summer indeed .. which we'd once planned to spend together .. which i no longer will be an important part of :) .. i hope you have an amazing holiday .. i hope this love thing lets go of you .. irritating little thing .. spoils the fun of everything ..

and ill be around here somewhere .. doesn't really matter even if i ain't .. coz i wont be worth the notice .. i wont be worth the trouble .. but whenever you set your eyes upon me again .. i hope i'm still worth your love ..

till then ..

I'm standin' on the bridge
I'm waitin' in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now

and ill watch the night turn light-blue
its not the same without you
because it takes two to whisper quietly

and i believe in you
you know the door to my very soul
you're the light in my deepest darkest hour

lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and i will try to fix you

i love you Andrea. Don't hate yourself for it.

Friday, December 10, 2010

so what is it .. that makes the one you love .. repeatedly encroach upon undiluted bliss?

i've been waiting a while .. to understand the importance of all those promises that were made at the time of emotional apocalypse .. there were a lot of promises .. and so it took me more time than usual to analyse how much was granted.

a relationship between two people is mainly based upon their understanding of each other. it consists of two main components ..
- things that a person CAN understand ..
- things that a person WILL understand ..
and then there is a middle void ..
which consists of things that a person MUST understand ..
the bigger this middle void .. the easier it is for two people to be able to love each other without any need for flacking or criticism.

when you devote your entire day to the sole purpose of making her happy .. when you stop at nothing to be able to show her in yet another distinct way .. what she means to you .. you don't really expect her to lose her patience just when your heart was starting to perceive a sense of sedentism.

who said love would be easy? who said we could take all the good things that came our way and give up oh so easily at the slightest indication of a sour spot? Yet .. why is it so easy for someone to honey coat their words when everything seems nice .. and so difficult to maintain a sense of normalcy in their tone even at the sound of a false alarm? .. isn't the happiness that you give to someone .. of enough significance .. for that person to be able to blend with your character when its getting hard for you to find yourself within the turmoil of exaggerated emotion?

i don't hope to get answers. because i know that you were having a notable mood shift even as you read through the previous paragraph .. and if i'm wrong this once .. then forgive me for hoping that i know you well enough .. because if you really listened to all those things that i said to you repeatedly .. then you would know that i am not trying to blame you .. nor am i trying to irritate you .. i'm simply trying to understand why its so hard for us reinforce each others solitude when one of us falls short of perfection for the first time in hours .. because even if we were perfect .. we are human .. and we would still be imperfect at maintaining that perfection .. but lets try? :(

i know that we will make this work .. simply because i know that we love each other .. and things may seem a little blurred once in a while .. but we CAN understand .. and we WILL understand .. because we MUST understand ..

my motive .. is to get through to you .. not to pass through you .. because that would hurt me as much as it would hurt you.

but fuck all that. i'm still madly in love with you. right?


Monday, November 22, 2010

i know .. i have always known .. and i will always know. Till then .. hope is my dearest friend.