Monday, March 7, 2011
its been almost a year .. since i first glanced into those serene brown eyes .. since the first time i saw her sitting on her Dio .. waiting for me outside the main gates of MIT, Pune .. she was a treat to my vision .. so simple .. yet so exquisite .. irresistible.
maybe we came too far .. maybe i was never meant to find her .. to reach out to her .. to speak to her .. to fall in love with her .. but a few coincidences and a lot of good vibes contributed to making me realize what a living mess i was till the day she rode into my life on that 'bike' of hers ..
sometimes .. i wish i'd discovered some unique way to show her what she started to mean to me right from the moment i took in her fragrance .. it put me in a trance of sorts .. i put my arms around her waist as i sat behind her dio .. butterflies .. so many of them .. you'd grow a huge beard even if you just attempted to count .. and you'd still get the number wrong ..
maybe this suffering is nothing but a lesson .. maybe she just feels the need to be alone for a while .. explore new horizons .. discover new faith .. live the way she wants to live .. love the way she wishes to love .. discover uniqueness in the most distinct way possible .. find happiness in places where most people don't usually care to look ..
or maybe this is all just a nightmare .. where i wake up to nothing but the emptiness of a broken heart .. wishing i'd fall back to sleep again .. go back in to the nightmare .. hoping to never wake up again .. *sigh* ..
just got off the phone with you .. and i could still sense everything you feel for me .. all those little glitches in your speech give you away .. make me realize how hard you've been trying to not want this love .. and yet it never goes away .. maybe even haunts you .. makes you curse it from the bottom of your heart .. and yet it doesn't go away .. what a pain .. what a pain indeed ..
i'm trying .. you know .. i'm trying to do everything i can to facilitate you with this self initiated phase of independence .. to help you get whatever it is that you wish to achieve from this, baby .. but i can't lie to you .. and i can't pretend that any of my methods have yielded any successful results .. because you know i'm so in love with you ..
its difficult .. really taxing on the heart and mind .. to want to wish for something that you never wanted in the first place .. and yet i swear i'm trying .. for you .. but if i know myself .. i know it won't work .. and if i know you a little .. then i also know that a part of you doesn't want it to work ..
you'll have enough time for self-reflection .. for individual endeavors .. its a long summer ahead .. a LONG fuckin' summer indeed .. which we'd once planned to spend together .. which i no longer will be an important part of :) .. i hope you have an amazing holiday .. i hope this love thing lets go of you .. irritating little thing .. spoils the fun of everything ..
and ill be around here somewhere .. doesn't really matter even if i ain't .. coz i wont be worth the notice .. i wont be worth the trouble .. but whenever you set your eyes upon me again .. i hope i'm still worth your love ..
till then ..
I'm standin' on the bridge
I'm waitin' in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
and ill watch the night turn light-blue
its not the same without you
because it takes two to whisper quietly
and i believe in you
you know the door to my very soul
you're the light in my deepest darkest hour
lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and i will try to fix you
i love you Andrea. Don't hate yourself for it.