i always wondered why my style of writing is so inclined towards the negativity of every situation, when ultimately its happiness that i seek .. i always questioned my belief's to an extent that it made it impossible for me to accept anything without unintentional manipulation .. if there were no visible obstacles, i'd find a few .. maybe because i like fighting for what i desire .. but if i couldn't find any even on searching .. then i'd embrace the feeling as that of a miracle.
i wasn't always overflowing with confidence, i wasn't always the leader of the pack .. heck i wasn't even a part of the pack to begin with .. but its human tendency to wish for all that he does not have .. and by disguising it as the need to be someone better .. i started to climb .. not pausing once to look at all those i'd stepped over ..
it felt good to be known by everyone around me .. it felt amazing to be feared .. even though the entire world may deny the fact that a person can find happiness in other peoples fear .. there is something about being "the fear" that makes you wanna hold on to it .. maybe it was my love for violence .. maybe it was my reputation of fighting till the end .. come what may .. maybe it was simply the joy i got out of all the physical and emotional pain that i could cause to someone .. someone who had simply initiated it all ..
and then came the drugs .. boy are they bad .. and yet that wasn't reason enough for me to not indulge into them .. not because i didn't care about what others said .. but plainly put .. i believed that i could find that comfort zone with anything, even death.
what i did not realize was the fact that all the fear, violence and drugs may have fulfilled my conquest towards power, but it pretty much destroyed each and every component of my life that dared to step in the way .. unwillingly, unknowingly, i lost all faith in love .. i gave up on hope simply because it seemed like an overrated concept .. i let go of myself due to the 'fear' of spontaneous combustion.
i made myself believe that i was happy .. i told myself that this was the life that i always desired .. violence, drugs, women, money .. i had it all ..
and then she gave birth to my conscience .. the non-material entity that usually governs the entire functioning of a persons mind and his emotions .. now that i think of it .. i don't see how i survived so long without it.
she was right there .. sitting in between my knees .. resting her back against me .. it was past midnight .. and we were more than just high .. she held my hand and i savored her touch .. she kissed me and i kissed right back .. just us and a few close friends .. a few joints and a couple of liquor bottles .. our entire life ahead of us .. and to think .. that was the day we first met ..
its been a while since then .. if i counted the number of heart beats she made me skip .. its definitely been much longer .. for the first time in my life .. i let go of my pessimism .. i showed undiluted faith in love .. i hoped for this to remain perfect .. i let go of the violence .. i bid farewell to the drugs .. it felt like i'd found my comfort zone with "life" .. then it all went wrong .. in the worse way imaginable .. and for once .. i wasn't the one who went searching for obstacles ..
but i knew she was mine .. i wanted it to be like that .. forever .. she realized what she truly desired .. she understood that love isn't about finding empty spaces .. its about being prepared to fill them up if at all you see any .. that its not destiny driving us .. but the longing to be able to feel complete .. so so complete by just having the presence of that special someone ..
even though i am quite a literate person .. i am unable to formulate any gesture, use any words that may aid me in giving her even the slightest hint about how important she is to me .. just when i thought i was completely able .. i realized that if there is one thing that i am completely incapable of expressing .. (because my heart starts to waver even at the thought of being able to say it) its the emotion that you gifted to me the day i fell in love with you .. and just so you know .. love is a very diluted form of that emotion .. like i said .. neither can i express myself .. nor can i get myself to define it. so let me just stick to the norms and make it plain and simple ....
Andrea. I Love You.
i don't wish to try and discover what life has in store for us, all in one go .. i just wanna live each moment with you .. your presence is the component of my being .. you voice is the music to my soul .. your love is the fiber of my dreams ..
i always wondered why my style of writing is so inclined towards the negativity of every situation, when ultimately its happiness that i seek .. and now i know .. its because the shadow proves the sunshine ..